The aftermath is the anti-climax. Lost in that. Lost in space. Lost in time. Lost in the black. Sodomy. Sodomized. Sodom Hussain. Rape of the mouth. Cocksucker. Faggot. I was turned away from possibilities. From being a faggot (bisexual). I was made the way I was. I am. I am not. Not groomed, nor a groom. Shocked like the monkey. My yearning for female approval coupled with fear of male violence made me a lover. A pussy. What I am. What I am not.
Do you want to think about the alternative? Do you want to think about all the alternatives? Do I want to think of the alternatives? I never did. I just reacted. Choosing wasn't on offer so I took what came and shut up about it. I never imagined I could be....
I am half certain that I was killed and shot into a dream. I was not a thing at all. I was a nothink.
I lost that time. I lost my time that time. Forgotten dreams of growing up. Initiated in a ritualized eradication of youth. Vim and Vigor lost.
Been spending most my lives
Living in a pastime paranoia
Been spending most my lives
Living in a pastime paradise (dream)
Been wasting most of my lives
Glorifying days long gone behind (dreaming)
Been wasting most of my lives
In remembrance of ignorance oldest praise (imagined)
Who of them will come to be?
How many of them are you and me?
Annihilation, Defloration,
Abrogation, Mutilation,
Conflagration, Strangulation,
Profanation, Transformation,
Obliteration, Transmutation,
Violation, Ruination,
Suffocation, Castigation,
Abjuration, Incantation,
Aspiration, Invocation
Vague shaped bodies misting in shadow against the back of my mind. White fog drifting across a black screen. Each cloud a phantom (wraith) passing through a memory. Whose ghost? Whose memory? Are they I, me, or mine? I was a they. They were, and always will be, them. We didn't have pronouns when I was a kid, so this is all in retrospect.
Who's haunting who?
