everything that has ever befallen me, or that i have done, or that i have avoided doing (facing), has been in preparation for what is to come (for me) this weekend
maybe that sounds like a lot, but it's true for you, too. and you, and you, and you, ad nauseam
during the last several years, i've been using The Hero's Journey as a framework for the story that i pretend to be writing about my recovery from "adverse childhood experiences"
during all that time, it never occurred to me that "I" am the hero in the story
i am in Nova Scotia for the next few days. my father had a strong attraction to this area, but aside from mentioning it in passing he didn't explain why. i believe that some of his (my) (our) ancestors lived here
on Friday, i am meeting six other men, male survivors, as we call ourselves, to undergo a group healing ritual, based on The Hero's Journey. we will be doing this in a remote area, far from civilization, and close to the sea, which is as important to me as any imaginable deity. the only entities i worship in this realm are the earth and the sun (lesser deities are acknowledged and appreciated, even if not devoutly)
this experience was conceived and initiated by a friend named Malachi (until now, i've been misspelling it, sorry M). the name means "messenger
the gist is that the trauma that we experienced as children is akin to the trials endured by someone going through a rite of passage, with a key difference being that we never completed the circle (ritual) of The Hero's Journey. specifically, we never experienced a Return from the nether world of our trauma, nor did we receive the recognition from, or acknowledgement of, our respective communities, for having walked this difficult path
we may have been victimized while young and powerless, but we are today survivors who carry within us the seeds of power and liberation from the pain of suffering. seeds that some of us, speaking for myself, have been afraid to release. i still don't understand all of the why of that resistance (fear), but i am finally ready to let go, and to let "it" go
the timing of this weekend's gathering is miraculous, if you don't mind a little hyperbole
i shared the following with some friends this evening:
i have been surrounded by magic my whole life and i’ve been too frightened to accept and embrace it. that ends this weekend
since leaving Oakland early Tuesday morning, i have been under a deluge of signs and signals that all is as it was meant to be*, and that my journey, as it is now playing out, is magical and wondrous, despite the pain, the confusion, the not 'knowing,' or the fear
i recently had a dream/vision, while visiting The Temple of Asklepios, in Epidaurus, Greece. i've been trying to write about it, but it's hard to explain in literal terms. there are also parts of it i don't understand yet. but here are a couple of things that i was told:
everything is going to be OK. everything you have done is enough. when you see 'signs' or receive 'messages,' you should not try to understand them. just recognize, experience, and trust them
my whole life people have been telling me that i'm smart and gifted. i am now realizing that i have adopted this as a cursed mantra. i have been holding on to the notion that it was my intellect that i must do something with, to make my mark on the world. and as any wise person will tell you, that that will never suffice. i will never be able to live up to my own expectations in that way. i don't write because what's in me doesn't always jibe with i think writing is supposed to look like
i am finally coming to recognize, and experience, and trust, that my gift to the world lies not in my brain, but in my heart. from now on, i am pledging that when i sit down to create, whether it be with words, or images, or sounds, i will draw, not from my brain or intellect, but from my own bewildering and mystifying visions and dreams, whether i understand them or not
all of this is just to say... i am done hiding my light under a helmet, and
i cannot explain it (because, well, obviously) but embracing #surrealism has catapulted me close to the finish line of my recovery from childhood trauma and #cptsd
it sucks that i am finally becoming the person i always hoped to be as fascism is taking over the world, but if it wasn't that, it would be something else, wouldn't it?
tired: we have met the enemy and they are us
wired: we have met our liberators and they are us
all praise to the toilets of the river quay triple-headed gossamer and crucified Lizard of Tarsus
to be continued...
